Central Air
by Leather and Stripes
Summary: "Quite possibly the best perk that one could find about living in Castle Oblivion would be air conditioning."  A GiftFic written by Stripes.  No pairings, just crack.


AN: OH MAN I'M POSTING STUFF LIKE CRAZY! This is a birthday present for my dear, sweet, wonderful friend Ruru, who is celebrating her birthday today. I got this prompt from her like...a year ago, and since her birthday was gettin' near, I decided to finish it in time to post today!

**The prompt: _"Demyx, Axel, Vexen, a bag of peanuts, a broken air conditioner, and a a pair of rubber gloves"_**

I know, right? XD

So, Ru, I hope you love it! I had a blast writing it. It's 4:30 am and I need to sleep, but I wanted to post it :D

No warnings other than CRACKCRACKCRACK. (and I don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of its characters)

Cheers!

~Stripes

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><p><strong>.:Central Air:.<strong>

**A Kingdom Hearts Fic  
><strong>

**xxx**

Quite possibly the best perk that one could find about living in Castle Oblivion would be air conditioning. A Castle of that size and level of cleanliness would certainly require fully functional central air. Thus, days during the summer would be most enjoyable. If one wished to spend the day outside in the heat so that later one could come back into the sanctuary of his or her domain and bask in the heavenly 65 degree climate, then perfect! If one wished to stay in said domain, never thinking of anything remotely resembling the sun and the immense heat that it radiates, even better!

However, there are those among us (I prefer to call them complete imbeciles, but that is entirely my own opinion. But, I will mention that anyone with any level of common sense or brain proficiency above the level of a fetus will agree with me) who wish to bring the wild outdoors inside. Moreover, there are those of us who do not understand that water and electronics are not best friends and can never go on an amazing adventure where they overcome adversity and live happily ever after.

Stories like this can only end in electrical fires and dismemberment.

I was startled from my reverie by a shriek. Let me rephrase that: I was startled by the most feminine scream my ears have ever had the misfortune of hearing. This scream was followed by a loud crash and the sound of running. I looked up from my book toward the door only to see a violent shock of red hair sprinting past the door frame. After a moment, the steps slowed and stopped before returning back toward my library. Axel stumbled into the room, gesturing me toward him, urgency radiating from his tone. Or perhaps his hair.

"Zexion, you have to help me!"

Why the man didn't simply use a portal to find me completely eludes me.

"I assure you, Axel, I am not obligated to do any such thing."

"And I assure you, Zexion, that if you don't, this library is going to turn into a sauna and your lovely little books will all be ruined," a smirk spread across his lips. "Mold sure loves great literature."

As if on cue, the temperature seemed to rise. Rather drastically, I might add. I stood reluctantly, closing my book and placing it gingerly on my chair before turning back to Axel. "If any of my books are ruined, I will dispose of you."

"Then get your ass down to the main hall!" He turned, sprinting back down the hall, yelling something that I could care less about.

Again, portals. They are helpful.

Arriving in said main hall several seconds later, I was greeted by a sight that will be forever engrained in my mind. I cannot do literary justice to the complete idiocy that I was met with, and, for the mental stability of anyone who is reading this, I will not attempt to do so. Instead, I will provide an abridged version.

Scorch marks covered the high walls in long, ashy streaks. They were marred only by streams of water, still dripping down the walls and pooling on the tile. The housing for the central air conditioning console seemed to have missed the flames, however, several sparks jutted out of the system, and the large pool of water directly below was a good indication why. In the middle of the floor was Demyx, sprawled, and seemingly unconscious, on his back. He reeked of burning hair, and the trail of saliva leaving his mouth did not prove to be at all attractive.

Don't get me wrong, the entire scenario would have been completely laugh-worthy if it hadn't been encroaching on the livelihood of my first editions.

The pyromaniac gestured wildly, Demyx was spasmodically twitching, and I felt my patience wearing thin as the temperature rose.

"...So I ran upstairs to find you!" Axel finished in a huff, seeming to have regaled the entire venture in one breath. It's a shame I hadn't been listening.

"And what, exactly, do you expect me to do about this?" I glanced back to Demyx, taking note that his eyebrows were missing, "I'm not a doctor or an electrician, nor have I ever fixed an air conditioner."

Axel paused, staring at me as though I had been speaking in tongues. "Then what was the point of you helping us?"

Reader, I would like to point out that this is one of the more ludicrous things Axel has said. It is by far not the most idiotic, but everything about this particular incident ranks rather high on the idiot meter. However, he has been known to have bouts of intelligence. On rare occasion.

"I did not tell you to seek me out, you moron! Nothing this imprudent happens when I have anything to do with the situation," I brought a hand to massage the bridge of my nose, thoroughly exasperated. "Why don't you ask Vexen to help? He's the one who installed the air-"

Emerald eyes lit up instantly.

"VEXEN! That's perfect! He's-"

"-conditioner, so he should be able to-"

I found that I was speaking to no one except an unconscious Demyx. At least Axel had the common sense to use a portal. For once.

A moment later, Axel reappeared, dragging a particularly irritated looking Vexen, goggles knocked askew from what could have only been the redhead forcibly dragging him from an experiment.

"Axel, I don't have time for this!"

"Vexen, Axel thought it would be wise for you to fix the air conditioner since you insta-"

"Vexy, you have a special connection with the cold, what with the ice and everything," his grin was almost manic as he shoved Vexen toward the sparking mess that was once the air conditioner. "Work your chilly magic."

To his credit, Vexen's eyes did not bulge farther out of his head. "Axel, that's completely absurd! Being able to manipulate ice does not give me the ability to commune with central air units!"

The redhead crossed his arms, eyes narrowing slightly as a smirk tugged at his lips, "Are you saying you're not intelligent enough to do it? You can't figure it out?"

At this point, I had to revoke the credit I dealt to my fellow scientist. I did not think that it was anatomically possible for one's eyes to enlarge that much, nor did I think it was possible for a person to turn the color of Axel's hair. Let the record show that I am a scientist, and having seen both events occur in the span of ten seconds, I can admit when I've been mistaken.

"Stand aside, fool," Vexen replied coolly, taking several strides to the air conditioner. "And get this idiot out of here," he scoffed at the blond laying on the floor, stepping over him (and perhaps purposely grinding the heel of his boot into Demyx's hand, earning our ears another girlish scream).

I will not describe the intense process of Vexen deciphering the manual for the air conditioner because I had left the room. I also will not describe the sandwich that I made and ate during the time that it took the air conditioner to be fixed and Demyx to regain full consciousness because I frown on voyeurism.

Upon returning to the hall, I found a very pleased Vexen, peeling rubber gloves from his hands as he admired his work, cool gusts of air slowly seeping back into the Castle. Axel was attempting to draw a new set of eyebrows on Demyx as the blond wiggled around too much, chomping on peanuts.

And people wonder why I prefer books to people.

"Told you you could do it, Vexy," Axel chirped, standing up and helping Demyx to his still unsteady feet.

"Yeah! Thank you, Vexen," Demyx beamed, tossing a peanut into the air and catching it not-so-gracefully in his mouth. "We totally owe you."

The second peanut Demyx tossed up missed his mouth by a good two feet.

"Oh, don't worry, I have a whole list of experiments that I need test subjects for. I think the both of you would look rather dashing as tea cups," Vexen hissed, lips curling into a grin that made Axel look like a saint.

At this, Demyx promptly choked on the peanut he managed to catch, face contorting at the loss of air. Axel smacked him on the back, and by the blue tinge Demyx had taken on, I assume that drove the peanut further into his windpipe.

Frowning, and not wanting to deal with a dead body, I decided to intervene, tugging Demyx into the Heimlich position and performing said maneuver. After two attempts, the tiny nut flew from his mouth, narrowly missing Vexen. A moment later, an odd clatter sounded from the air conditioner, the soft hum completely disappearing.

Demyx doubled over, coughing and taking in much needed air. I stepped away, Axel stepped away (I did say he had his intelligent moments). When Demyx finally raised his head, he saw Vexen, eyes more pronounced than they ever should have been, before the rubber gloves met his face.

Let it be known that rubber gloves meeting a Nobody's face, when swung at the right speed and trajectory, can break the sound barrier.

And that is when the first spark ignited in the air conditioner.

**xxx**


End file.
